Am I a smug?

I found out earlier in the week that a co-worker and his wife have been struggling with IF for a long time, to the tune of $30,000 with no success. My heart broke. All evening I thought about them, pretending to be a completely happy family of four (two fur-kids & the hubby & wife). And how lucky we were that our very first kick at IVF worked - and stuck - and that that little embryo is now a full 18 months old and starting in a real daycare in a week and a half? I want(ed) to reach out to them, to let them know that I understand that IF blows, and that having to pay for the opportunity to get pregnant blows goats.. but I just couldn't come up with something that wouldn't make it look like I was flaunting the fact that our IVF - our ONLY ivf - worked. Yup, IF blows, but we made it to the other side. Is it possible to even relate to someone who's still on the other side, and may never get the chance to be the awesome parents I know they would be now that I've got an, admittedly awesome, not-so-little guy?

I will try and post a Joel update soon.. this has just been on my mind all week and wanted to get it out there.

Thoughts?

DuckFest

(aka, a post NOT about me, or pregnancy).



Have you heard about DuckFest? It's an online drive to raise money for JD, whose mother died suddenly last week. You can learn more here (I'll wait) and here is the list of items for auction. Check out the auction items, bid, do some good.

i've been thinking a lot lately...

first off, I had mentioned back here that my acu. is pg... did I mention that she's having twins? Ya... she's close to 15 weeks now, due beg. April (technically, although they'll probably come sooner). What does this mean for acu treatments when/if we cycle? Dunno. I will see her next week, and will try and hammer out a plan (y'know, with the limited info on our cycle I do have). There are other acus at the clinic I go to, but I like and *clicked* with this one, so now to not have her support when we'll possibly be cycling, blows huge huge goats. I know another girl across town that I like, but she's well, across town, and this one is just around the corner from my office. Proximity is nice...

Anyway. Since that thought about acu popped into my mind this weekend, and after the followup on Friday, I'm starting to wonder whether there's a bigger reason things keep popping up, and forcing us to wait/put plans on hold. Are we supposed to NOT have children? Did I piss someone off in a further life (or was I a prostitute with 18000 kids, and this is retribution)? Do we just stop the running around at some point, and just (try to) accept that we're childless? Do we continue to run around chasing a dream like a carrot on a stick? Run run run, wait wait wait, run wait run wait wait wait run - no wonder I'm crazy. Do we just become "awesome Auntie Chelle & Uncle J" to everyone else's kids? or grumpy Auntie Chelle/Uncle J?

Gah, so many questions, and they all make me sad, but HAVE to be dealt with. Goodie, another chat with J. I'm so excited, seeing the direction the rest of them have taken....

and wait s'more...

I just had the official biopsy followup - lichenoid dermatitis. not pre-malignant (tg!) but i'll be on meds for the next 3 months to see if it clears up. i will ask the RE if i have to wait for IVF until this is cleared up, but i think we all know the answer to that. so, until then, here i (continue to) sit... and wait.

I should've cried a long time ago...

Guess who reared her ugly head this morning? Yup, DGT's back. Finally. Day 57... not sure if it was brought on by the prometrium scrip, or just time in general, but really, i don't care. i need to call the clinic and see if i can get in for a follow up with my RE this week (while I'm in town for other appts...). Finally one wait is over.

ETA: my RE did have spots available this week, but due to scheduling conflicts, I had to decline 'em. So, Dec 7 for followup. I"m kinda meh about that. It's only 6 weeks away, and hey, what's another set of 6 weeks in this whole thing? *rolls eyes* not like we've been chomping at the bit to get this done or anything...

I've got a feeling...

And not a good one, like the Oprah flash mob...

I am still waiting for CD1 to show up. It's been 45ish days since the last one, but between the hysteroscopy, biopsy, various meds I'm not overly surprised the biatch is MIA. That said? if she'd show up, we may still have a chance to cycle before xmas. But it's not looking good. And even if I got my period today, I'd still have to wait to see the RE for ANOTHER internal, and hopefully be good to start suppression meds on CD21. that takes us to Nov 2-3, and then there's another 3-4 weeks of meds before ER-ET, which is end of Novemberish, beta Dec 15ish. Cutting it close for the clinic's Christmas office closure :(  And my dream of announcing a pg at xmas surrounded by family? burst like a balloon.

Great article - Life after Infertility

Just finished reading a great article about Life after Infertility. So much of what she wrote rings true, and we haven't moved past infertility yet - still struggle on some level from day to day to day.

in other news, I'm feeling ok. Had some biopsy-area irritation when I actually tried exercising yesterday, so I will be taking it easy for today. I'm at work (gasp - seems like I'm not here more than I am lately), but y'know, taking it easy :P I think I'm O'ing, so will make an appt to see the RE in a few weeks from now for the hysteroscopy/biopsy/possible IVF follow-up appt. If we are given the green light, we could start meds by the end of next month, and ER/ET would be a few weeks later. Still time for me to go home and give my parents the best xmas gift ever - the BFP announcement... here's hoping...

Biopsy update

Ok, so I'm updating Saturday instead of Friday, my bad.

ANYWAY. The biopsy went as well as expected, I suppose. I was pretty anxious Thursday, when I was told the appt would be at the colposcopy clinic... But I took a muscle relaxer (I heart Aleve) and hoped for the best.

I first met with the nurse, who knew next to nothing about my history (because I was a special case that was fit in to the schedule), so I gave her the deets on that, and we had a great chat. Then I went back out to hte waiting room & was feeling pretty loopy... I got called in to the exam room, and a nurse & the OB were there. I really liked the OB. She wanted to fit me into the schedule as she knew about the (hopefully) upcoming IVF and didn't want me to wait too long, as she's going on vacay in a week or so. Really, the whole staff was wonderful. And there was a poster (dolphins with sunglasses, hee) on the ceiling to take your mind off the fact that someone was biopsing (?) your girly bits. Made me giggle. Oh wait, maybe that was the meds ;)

The OB didn't do the whole coloposcopy, just took a quick peek, then froze the area & did the biopsy. "It's just like a little cookie cutter..." is not something you want to hear, when the 'dough' is your va-jay-jay. Just sayin'. It did sting quite a bit, but wasn't unbearable. She said that the irritation is definitely clearing up, yay! I ended up taking the afternoon off - I could've worked, but every time I changed position (sit/stand, etc) I got stabby/pinchy pains, so figured it was better if I didn't. I met J across the bridge & then went home & slept off the meds.

Feeling all right today... I will meet with the RE when my next cycle starts, and get the results then. I will also have a follow-up appt with the OB sometime next month, just as a 'going forward' thing - a chat more than a physical exam. PHEW.

So, until then? we wait. I'm getting awfully good at that :P

less than a week later...

and I've already got an appt scheduled to meet with the specialist for the biopsy or whatever. Friday at 11:15. My manager will be thrilled. Ah well... Nothing like short notice, but hey, better than waiting for 3-4 months like I expected to. Here's hoping the meds they gave me have been working, and that things are clearing up. I would love to be off the effing bench by the end of the year, but we'll see how things go.

Next update - Friday :)

things may just work out...

...to let me start suppression meds in a couple weeks!!

I checked out the clinic's protocol last night before bed, and if all goes well with the hysteroscopy on Thursday (finally! yay!) I could be starting suppression meds on Sept 18. That would put retrieval/transfer sometime in mid October. Of course, reading that right before bed means that I had a shit sleep last night - even with Gravol, I had some serious issues, and ended up curled in a ball on the couch in teh living room for a few hours. Ah well. Who needs sleep, right?

IVF was always "quite a wait away", and now it's so close, I could puke (from excitement / nerves / whatever). EEEK. I need to talk to J. tonight to ensure that he's on the same page.

Most defnitely

NOT pg. DGT has showed up in full force. At least at this rate, things will be over with before the hysteroscopy.

I'm going to dig out the literature from the clinic tomorrow and see if I've got any stuff on their IVF protocol, to see whether we can possibly start the IVF this cycle or not. here's hoping things will time out well enough to get this show on the road!

what..

the fork is going on?

My cycles have never been normal/textbookish. Since I've been on BCP (over 4 years now), my cycles have ranged from 29 - 60+ days, with 34ish days the average.

As mentioned in one of my last posts, my last period started Aug 3. And guess what seems like it's about to show face? a new cycle. I've been experiencing my usual PMS symptoms - general snark, lethargy, cheap chocolate (read: smarties) cravings, and well, insatiable appetite. for ANYTHING. Seeing as things are a bit early, I will test tomorrow, JIC it's not DGT, but I'm quite sure the test will be negative. Thankfully I picked some up at the dollar store so I won't be peeing on $10 - just a loonie :P

I'll keep y'all posted, but 99% sure it's a BFN.

So close...

Check out tertia's blog So Close - Life after Infertility. She's a great blogger and has some wicked posts on her sidebar for dealing with infertility. One is entitled "How to be Good Friends with an Infertile'. Read it. Pass it along (giving credit where it's due!!). Not saying you're not all fab friends, because you are, but still. There's always stuff to be learned from posts like that.

i will return later with a more blathery post. (aren't y'all lucky???)

British couple denied adoption due to weight.

British Couple declared too fat to adopt

This article was posted on one of my boards today, and just gives me the rage for that couple (and anyone else who's faced size-ism). I was even pushed to comment directly on the blog in response, and I was pretty calm about it. I wasn't quite as reserved on the board (closed community), but it just hits SO close to home. So close. I can't count the number of times the phrase "if you'd just lose xxx lbs" has been mentioned to me. I know I need to lose weight, TYVM. Stop stating the obvious... Bah.

just blah...

my massage therapist mentioned to me last night that she's 20 weeks pg, and only working for another month... just found out that my beloved acupuncturist is also pg (not sure how far along). I was dealing with the MT's pg pretty well, but the news about my acu. is totally hitting me harder than i thought it would. Maybe it's because I expect to highly utilize acu. during our IVF cycle and therefore should will be seeing her a lot in the next few months. I really hope that her pg doesn't affect my mood too much during the sessions. it shouldn't, but eh, i'm weird like that. Blah.

It's not that I don't love my pg friends...

The always eloquent Murgdan has written two great posts this week on Unfair Weather Friends. Check out the posts at Conceive This! and Fertility Authority.

This is totally how I feel. how many times have I said "I'm so happy for **insert name of pg person here**, but sad that it's not me"... it's more that because I have no clue what you happily pg people are going through, I can't share in it the way others do. Bah, Murgdan described it better, but I'll sum it up with a highly uneloquent "yup, what she said".

all about babies...

today was all about babies. I went to visit my friend L & her family this morning, including beautiful little M (one-week old). We had a great visit, and the baby slept peacefully in my arms for over an hour, then I played with the 1.5 yo & talked Pokeman & Lego with the 8yo. But really, I wanted to catch up with my friend, and hold the baby.

Then, after a quick lunch, I went to a shower for another friend, who's now 20 weeks along. She lives in ON, and was home on vacay, so the shower was today. It was great to see her & celebrate the baby, but I was getting antsy after a few hours there. Grabbed a piece of cake after the prezzies were opened, and walked down to meet hubby.

As much as I'm so happy for my friends, and happy that the wheels may be in motion for our cycle now that the hysteroscopy is scheduled, I left in a pretty melancholy mood. Because, wouldn't you know... AF showed up while I was at my friend's this morning. Doesn't it figure? Is it just me, or is that kind of ironic? Everyone else has babies, and I get my period. wunnerful. baaaaaaaaaah.

T minus 31 days until hysteroscopy. thank god.

Date is set!

Hysteroscopy is the afternoon of Sept 3! Just 5 weeks from now!

And y'know, after waiting 2.5 years to do IVF, 5 weeks seems like nothing. Hopefully we can cycle soon after the hysteroscopy... here's hoping!

Fwd: fingers crossed!

I had a message on the answering machine at home left at home today
while I was at work - a booking clerk from the IWK. of course,
she couldn't say what she was calling about, but hopefully it was to
schedule the hysteroscopy. Here's hoping!

It's really funny how things work though, when u think about it. I was
just saying to a good friend today that i've been kinda down lately,
partially due to the whole hurry up and wait nature of IF, and having
to wait so long for this effing test. And now look - hopefully
there's been a cancellation or something, and I'll be in a couple
months sooner than I thought (but still way later than if the effing
HSG had been a go, but I dye-grass)... so maybe we'll be cycling
sooner than November after all. Fingers crossed!

(sorry for any typos, formatting issues, whatever. I emailed this post in while i was at the airport waiting for my SIL's flight...)

Hurry up & wait...

it seems to be a common theme in fertility treatments. Who hasnt heard at least one of: "call when your cycle starts..." or "wait three cycles before XYZ..." or, "there are only 4 people ahead of you. Your surgery will probably be in late September...". whoa. What? ya, that last one was what I heard today when I called the booking clerk at the hospital re: my hysteroscopy (after my hugely failed HSG in May). So, I signed the consents a month ago, and I'm only 5th on the list, and still have to wait possibly 4 months for the procedure? gaaaaah.

I'm going to call the clinic tomorrow and see if this is normal. I did ask to be put on a cancellation list, so that might speed things up. Also, I was told that it could be any of the doctors at the clinic doing the procedure, but they only have me listed as under Dr. B - none of the others were listed. So, maybe the clinic can clarify that, and tell the hospital that any of the clinic's dr's can do the procedure. I'll also see if I can try the HSG again in the meantime. with lots o' drugs. LOTS.

What pisses me off the most about this new wait (remember, we waited almost 2 years to get the finances & mental strength in place to go ahead with IVF) is that the bloodwork & SA we had done in April are only 'good' (valid, I suppose?) for 6 months. Which brings us to... October. Early October.This means they will most likely need to be redone by the time the results of the hysteroscopy are known. ticks me off. I was hoping to cycle in September, this pushes us to closer to November, with my funky cycles & such. bah. baaaaaaaaaah. I'm tired of waiting. I just want to be able to get hte show on the road.