Thoughts of a second...

As we decided to do our IVF cycle, we always said it was a "one-time" thing. And thank God it worked, as we now have our precious bub. Keeping in mind we said "one-time" I've given away a ton of his baby clothes already, sold my maternity clothes, etc. But now that he's getting close to a year (8 months already & yes I realize I'm a horrid blogger), we keep throwing around mention of a sibling for lil J. I have always wanted more than one child, and while I think lil J is awesome-sauce (and then some), I would so love for him to have a sibling. And honestly, I don't feel that I'm "done" having kids yet, whatever that means. I rather liked being pregnant, and a new squishy baby would be awesome. But then two carseats, daycare for two. More mental strain, bc hey, those first few months were NOT great for any of us.

Of course, trying for a sibling means dipping into the LOC for fundage & riding the whole IVF rollercoaster again. Before we do that tho, there are a few things that would need to happen first though, namely lose some weight (like 50 lbs, ideally more) & talk to my dr & clinic on timeline, as i'm 35.5 now, and the longer we wait, the worse the odds get. I would think that cycling next summer (June-July as cycle 0) would be best, but that could be moving a bit quickly. And then with cycling comes all the other logistics - work, kidlet, etc. I think I would ask my mom or sis to come out to help Joel-wrangle during ER/ET/start of 2ww, as he would be 18-ish months next summer... I would take vacay at work because "family's in town" and not let everyone at work know abt IVF... We'd probably look at moving too... As much as I like our house, It's not great for having a newborn, imo. Especially if I have to have another C-section (which I'm leaning towards, and which hubs & I have talked abt a few times...)

But who knows? Maybe this is all just a pipe dream. Maybe Joel will be our one & only, but I'd like to know we gave it a shot at giving him a sibling, regardless of the cost (mentally & financially).

Reflections on Christmas...

past & present. And future, although I realize those won't be reflections :P
As J & I wind down from a decidedly low-key day, I can't help but think about how markedly different this Christmas is from last & from what we will be (most likely) experiencing this time next year.

Last year, as in all Christmasses past, we were childless. I spent the holidays with my fam in SK & J with his fam here in NS. IVF was 'in the works' and had been for a while, but so many little obstacles popped up, as is always the way.

This year, I'm 34.5w pregnant after our first IVF attempt was successful. Our son is squirming around in my tummy as I type ("hi Sparkle!!")... This year we didn't exchange gifts with our families - "the baby is everyone's (slightly belated) gift", we said. We were able to get up at our leisure & open the few gifts we had, dine on toast & bacon for brekkie, nap & play Angry Birds to our content, and even throw together a decent turkey-esque dinner...

Next year though, is when the fun will really begin. We will most likely have an 11-11.5mon old in the house, and while he won't "get" Christmas yet, I suspect the energy will be very, very different. We'll have a tree up again (not my little ceramic one that mom made many moons ago), and it will be our little mister's First Christmas. Santa & Christmas Spirit will be alive again, stockings will be hung... somewhere? Gifts from Mommy & Daddy, grandparents & Santa under the tree... I can't wait. Sure, it'll be a bit chaotic - aren't most family holidays though? And isn't the chaos of the toys & wrapping paper, etc what it's all about? "They" say Christmas is for the kids, and I think they're right (whoever they are)... and honestly, I can't wait. God knows we've done enough waiting round these parts.

To those reading whose dreams haven't come true yet, I truly hope 2011 is your year.

All ready for injections...

I just hope the clinic says I am when I go for the 'mulligan' downreg on wednesday. I've set up our small bedroom (which will be the baby's room if we're so blessed) with a table for mixing my injections, and a mini-shrine with the sweater a friend knit for us/our baby and the 'basket o' kids' decoration my  cooperating teacher gave me after I finished my first student teaching gig. While I did not become a teacher after everything, I still love the bucket, and it's moved with me quite a few times. And now, I think it's just fitting that it be in my 'peaceful room' where i'll be doing injections, etc. I so hope we have a kidlet that we can use that sweater on soon. It's such a waste to see it sitting in the closet just waiting most of the time..

Call me Superstitious...

 Or just super, if that's easier ;) 

For a while now i've been trying to make little changes in order to hopefully bring about a positive test result from our IVF efforts. I listen to the Circle + Bloom sessions every night, i've cut out most caffeine (still have a tea a day, but no Diet Coke in over a week now), no more aspartame, and I'm just trying to think REALLY positive. Nothing really superstitious there, but wait :P

One other thing I have decided to do is wear my moonstone pendant (or keep it on me) every day until I do my beta, 16dpET (that's mid-to-late-may for those of you who don't speak IVF). It was given to me by a very good friend last year - the three stones are to represent me, J & baby Chelle-or-J. isn't that sweet? Not familiar with moonstone? Moonstone is "...a feminine gemstone. [It is a] much used gemstone in case of infertility and grants sometimes amazing results." Here's hoping it has that result for us.

So, might be a little superstitious of me, but I'll be wearing this pendant for hte next month or so. I wear it at least 3 or 4 days a week anyway, so a few more isn't much of a stretch. 

I'm scared....

this whole process is a bit on the scary side - emotionally, physically, etc. Which, I suppose, is completely understandable.

A friend asked today how I was feeling about our upcoming appt.. "oh, a bit pukey, but ok." J. overheard... once we were alone, he was like "so, you're really pukey about hte whole appt thing??" I think I just hide this sh!t well - better than him, anyway. I know J's a basket case about the what if's (esp. the "what if there really IS a litter???"), but I dunno.

Right now, and I mean like RIGHT. NOW. I'm freaking out about how we're not going to be good parents to little J and/or M... Realistically, I know that the child will be loved more than I can fathom, will be fed, clothed, loved s'more, etc. But I still feel like I'm going to fail our kidlet(s)... Like there's a bigger reason we're not parents yet, etc.

Bah. i'm sure it's just that it's late-ish at night, i'm sleep deprived, etc. Here's hoping, anyway.

Finally...

69 days later - DGT is pretty much here. I started light spotting around dinnertime, and except full CD1 tomorrow. That means CD3 bw on saturday at the walkin, and such is life.

I have to wonder if the extra acu points that she did yesterday helped at all... i mean, 24 hours after I leave my appt, i start spotting. just bizarre. which means that the clinic WASN"T effed up with the dose of provera, and y'know, maybe they know what they're doing after all :P

Did get a bit of interesting news today though - looks like I'll be going on training in mid April... like Apr 19-21. hopefully that'll be my 2ww... one way to take my mind off things, no? but eeek. could be dicey timing :( and it's really not something i just can't do. ugh ugh ugh. ah well. it'll all work out...

DADT - explained a bit.

After my initial DADT post from a few days back, a friend and I got to talking about pg announcements, and my DADT theory in general. While I realize that DADT isn't really practical or realistic, sometimes it would come in handy.

The way I see it working is like this... imagine a busy street, and above some people are signs. Not of the Bill Engvall variety (here's your sign...) but more of a 'proceed with caution' or 'best thing just happened' thing. Above my head would be something to the effect of 'sensitive due to infertility' and it'd be lined with caution tape for effect. the signs would be visible when necessary... the people to whom they'd be visible would be those who need the most help being sensitive. Because it`s people who don`t give a rats arse as to how their news will affect others that makes the whole DADT thing necessary in the first place.

Does that make anymore sense, or should I just give up trying to make sense of my random thoughts? :P

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Just an update on the whole irregular cycle thing... today's day 68, and still no sign. I had an acupuncture appt, and she put some contra-pg points in to try and get things moving, and my GP told me to take another 5 days of Provera (for a total of 10 at 10 mg/day). When my GP prescribed PRovera back in the fall, she gave me 10 days at 10mg/day... RE gave me 5 days at 10mg/day.. I realize y'all haven't seen a pic of me, but trust me when i say i'm not "regular dosage size". This makes me worry that the med dosage for IVF will be 'normal' not adjusted for someone who's NOT normal. that list of worries keeps effing growing. cross something off, and add three to it... oy.

Don't ask, don't tell...

If there is one thing I've come to realize through this IF journey, it's that you can never tell how a pregnancy announcement will affect it's recipient.

As the recipient a hundred-some times over now I'm sure, I never even know how I'm going to react. I'm pretty much always happy for the people, but in the back there are always niggly feelings of varying degrees.

I think there should be some sort of a 'Don't ask, don't tell' policy with regards to pg announcements.  you just never know how it's going to affect people, what their story is, etc. A friend was approached by a coworker this week, and told that the coworker was expecting her 2nd... both couples started TTC at hte same time way back when. Friend is still struggling to conceive #1, and here they are on #2.. It's so effing unfair, and while I'm sure friend was happy for her coworker, frig, have a bit of caution... gah.

I know DADT will never happen with respect to pg announcements, but in theory, i think it's effing brilliant. just takes the ugh out of things, y'know?