Am I a smug?

I found out earlier in the week that a co-worker and his wife have been struggling with IF for a long time, to the tune of $30,000 with no success. My heart broke. All evening I thought about them, pretending to be a completely happy family of four (two fur-kids & the hubby & wife). And how lucky we were that our very first kick at IVF worked - and stuck - and that that little embryo is now a full 18 months old and starting in a real daycare in a week and a half? I want(ed) to reach out to them, to let them know that I understand that IF blows, and that having to pay for the opportunity to get pregnant blows goats.. but I just couldn't come up with something that wouldn't make it look like I was flaunting the fact that our IVF - our ONLY ivf - worked. Yup, IF blows, but we made it to the other side. Is it possible to even relate to someone who's still on the other side, and may never get the chance to be the awesome parents I know they would be now that I've got an, admittedly awesome, not-so-little guy?

I will try and post a Joel update soon.. this has just been on my mind all week and wanted to get it out there.

Thoughts?

"... one of the last..."

I find myself using this phrase a lot with J lately. Whether I end the sentence with "afternoon walks with Eileen" or "snuggles before nap.." it just seems to be cropping up a lot.

As is always the case, we have a lot going on in the next three weeks or so- Christmas & New Years, mr. moo's first birthday, J starting daycare & my return to work, my sister's coming to visit and to top it off, I'm having my gall bladder surgery next week. While I will feel a lot better once it's out, i'm awfully anxious - moreso abt recovery than the procedure itself. no heavy lifting (like a baby) for a few weeks, etc. boo!

Pediatrician appt

Back at J's 9month appt, our doctor noted that at 25lbs, 30in & 50cm head circumference, Joel was close to off the charts on all counts except for head circ - and for that, he was off the charts. So, to check that out (can be sign of problems), we were referred to the clinic's pediatrician (usually just see GP). Our appointment was yesterday, and in two months, J has grown to 28 lbs (!!!), 31.25" and 51cm head circ. She was happy with his neuro & physical development though, he's just a large, happy child.

As the point of the appt was to check on his head size, the dr. first plotted his earlier measurements on her chart, and then she measured him, then measured his dad & I. I was also off the charts for headsize, and i think dad was close... Which led her to "diagnose" J with Benign Familial Megalencephaly... basically, it's Latin for "you have a large head because your parents have large heads" :P Which really, is fairly apparent from looking at us, but whatever. I mean look: three ppl with large heads. At least we're cute, right?

The Hanways, Oct 2011. Photo courtesy Inspired Images (full photoshoot here)

We have a follow up appt to make sure his head is growing proportionally, but the dr wasn't concerned, so neither are we. FTR, his head is only 8 cm smaller around than mine. EEK!

Oh, and because I can, here's his first pic with Santa. I wish they'd gotten a bit closer up, but ah well. He's pretty tired, but isn't screaming his head off, so I declare a win! :)

stupid momlympics

My friend had a little boy (G) 5w after Joel was born. We talk pretty much every day, and often i feel like the crappiest mom EVER by end of convo. i know she doesn't mean for this to happen, but I can't help when i hear abt G.

let's see, G is almost walking (joel's only been crawling for a month now), he sleeps thru the night (j wakes 2-3 times), he eats a shitton of solids (j got really picky when he was sick), g loves his sippy cup (j hates it..), G will sleep anywhere, yadda yadda - the list goes on. I know I've "let" these situations happen with Joel, but I don't know how to fix em now.

I hate that I'm comparing my perfect little muffin man to another kid, but i can't help it. I feel like i'm failing him, but i can only do so much & with the amt of sleep i get, i don't know what else to do. in the end, I feel like a sucktastic mom. I KNOW that all kids are different, but it's still hard to not compare.

(not so) RAD

We spent the evening before Moo turned 10 months old at the IWK's emergency dept. Baby boy has been sick/teething for close to a week, but had really been wheezy off & on since early in the week. His puffers (such a struggle) didn't seem to be doing much good, so off we went.

We were seen fairly quickly, and it was determined that he has Reactive Airway Disorder (RAD - http://emedicine.medscape.com/article/800119-overview) They won't classify it as asthma (yet), because it's only his second episode (first was back in May). Poor kid had 20 puffs of ventalin in less than 3 hours, plus an oral steroid. :(

On top of everything, he's had a little 'scratch' by his nose for the last few weeks. Last Friday as we were leaving for sign language class it started bleeding, so i popped a bandaid on, no prob. It had looked like it was healing, but all the aero-chamber action on Thursday aggravated it again, and it started bleeding profusely while we were at the hospital. Turns out it's a hemangioma (http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hemangioma), and may need to be cauterized. :/ my poor muffin bum :(

So we left hospital with orders to give 2 puffs of ventalin every 4h for first 24h, and then 4x/day until "you're sure he's better", as well as a second dose of oral steroid that we were to give him this morning (took like a champ). I really do hope his breathing clears up soon - makes me sick to listen to my baby wheeze :(

Seriously?

Canadian MDs consider denying fertility treatments to obese women

I mean, the struggle with infertility is just a series of knives through the heart, so why not stab some of us again?

I admit it, I'm fat. You've seen pics, you know it's the truth. And so as a fat person who has undergone IVF, this hits home.

Many things ran through my head when I first read this article, but it kinda came down to this - it's always the woman's fault. What about those of us who are overweight/obese/just-plain-fat but still ovulate? What if our husbands/dads-in-waiting are the ones with the "issue"? We weren't dealing with a case of "fat factor infertility" but MALE factor infertility. Me losing 20-50-100 lbs wouldn't have changed the fact that hubs has crappy sperm. Hell, my blood pressure dropped significantly for a portion of my pregnancy. Yes, I got pre-eclampsia at the end, but know what? so do people of "normal weight" - not just pregnant fatties.

The first time we met with Dr. H at our clinic, she had barely introduced herself and said "you've got to lose some weight." She hadn't even sat down. Same woman offended me during ET last year by implying that my legs were too heavy for the stirrups (a nurse stood up for me and shot that back down). So ya, I'm not horribly shocked by the article, but still. I can't imagine how fast my jaw would've dropped had my clinic taken this stance. "Nope, sorry. We'd love to take your money & help you have a child & the family you've always wanted, but you're too FAT. "

I've said it before, I'll say it again, sizeism is the last acceptable form of discrimination. Paired with infertility is a double dose of suck. Seriously, what's next - will fat people having sex be illegal "just in case" they get pg? Puh-leeze.

And hand me a twinkie. Fat girl's gotta eat.

Thoughts of a second...

As we decided to do our IVF cycle, we always said it was a "one-time" thing. And thank God it worked, as we now have our precious bub. Keeping in mind we said "one-time" I've given away a ton of his baby clothes already, sold my maternity clothes, etc. But now that he's getting close to a year (8 months already & yes I realize I'm a horrid blogger), we keep throwing around mention of a sibling for lil J. I have always wanted more than one child, and while I think lil J is awesome-sauce (and then some), I would so love for him to have a sibling. And honestly, I don't feel that I'm "done" having kids yet, whatever that means. I rather liked being pregnant, and a new squishy baby would be awesome. But then two carseats, daycare for two. More mental strain, bc hey, those first few months were NOT great for any of us.

Of course, trying for a sibling means dipping into the LOC for fundage & riding the whole IVF rollercoaster again. Before we do that tho, there are a few things that would need to happen first though, namely lose some weight (like 50 lbs, ideally more) & talk to my dr & clinic on timeline, as i'm 35.5 now, and the longer we wait, the worse the odds get. I would think that cycling next summer (June-July as cycle 0) would be best, but that could be moving a bit quickly. And then with cycling comes all the other logistics - work, kidlet, etc. I think I would ask my mom or sis to come out to help Joel-wrangle during ER/ET/start of 2ww, as he would be 18-ish months next summer... I would take vacay at work because "family's in town" and not let everyone at work know abt IVF... We'd probably look at moving too... As much as I like our house, It's not great for having a newborn, imo. Especially if I have to have another C-section (which I'm leaning towards, and which hubs & I have talked abt a few times...)

But who knows? Maybe this is all just a pipe dream. Maybe Joel will be our one & only, but I'd like to know we gave it a shot at giving him a sibling, regardless of the cost (mentally & financially).