Frustrated...

J & I went to go test drive/most likely pay for the stroller we'd decided on today. Got to the store and found out that that specific stroller has been backordered until Januaryish. Thing is, J called the same damn store on Monday, and they said it was available. So we drove all the way out there (half hour from home, plus crappy parking & store layout), and no stroller. I was LIVID. She starts showing us similar models, but I was just pissed. All I could smell was bait & switch. Lure us in, and then "oops, not available..." in hopes we'd buy something else, likely more expensive. Back in the summer I researched strollers for HOURS. Evenings on end. This was the only one that seemed to hit every criterion I/we had - lightweight, suitable from newborn, etc. And now, I get to do it all over again. I am NOT happy. Plus research the infant car seats, and find the best combo. FUN! (not).

y'know, I know that pregnancy/TTC/life in general shouldn't really be easy for anyone (except super lucky assholes with horseshoes firmly embedded up their arse), but my god. how many years we waited to finally attempt (and y es, be successful) pregnancy, then J has a stroke. Find a stroller, foiled again. Can't anything go smoothly? I know it doesn't seem like much, but we've got enough stuff we still have to figure out (other baby gear - swing, pack & play, put together furniture, actually dealing with said baby once he arrives), I hate to have to uncross something off the list and do it again. I've tried looking into stuff tonight, and i don't have it in me.

I have the pictures from last weekend's shower, and I'll try and put them up tomorrow in between ghosts & goblins...  

"Why, are you pg?"

gah. it's the same old story. Girl starts giving up wine and/or alcohol, coworkers assume she's pg. Happened to me today, and of course, I floundered. I am most definitely NOT pregnant, but still floundered. What hte hell am I going to do when I AM pg (and haven't shared it with the world/co-workers yet??)? GAH.

I realized after I should have answered "nope. Still just fat, sorry" and man, i never would have heard that question (from her at least) again. Bitch much, maybe a teeeeeeeensie bit. :D

things that have pissed me off lately...

in no particular order...

1) when talking with a good friend/coworker after the chat with my boss last week, he commented "well, you'rejust going to be using a big turkey baster.." oh frig no. Fuck, after all this, you STILL don't get it? Eff off.

2) a friend's FB status along the lines of "ok hormonal chicks, suck it up and stop acting like depressed, psycho babies."  I apologized for being depressed, bc i couldn't help thinking that applied to me. she assured me it didn't, but I just can't shake that it just might, y'know?

3) crap - i forget right now, but i'm sure it will come back to me.

Salt in a gaping wound.

One of the symptoms of endometriosis is horrific menstrual cramps. By horrific, I mean passing out from the radiating, not being able to stand upright, body-rocking pain period cramps.

When I was a young kid, just starting on this whole Aunt Flo thing, I used to get violently ill every month when I had my period. I remember many an instance of the trots, puking (at the same time as those 'loose stools' - ick!), seeing stars, and thinking I was going to die while on the toilet. I'd go back to my room and hide under the blankets for days, crying my eyes out. After I went on the Pill as a precocious 16-year-old, I forgot about the pain until ten years later when I stopped the hormones. My acne and my period cramps both came back with a vengeance.

Now that we've been TTC for a while, every time the Red River flows, it hurts emotionally even more than it does physically - and that's saying something for someone who lives on two Naproxen every four hours for three straight days a month, with a chaser of heating pad.

Forget salt. It's like pouring bleach in a paper cut located in the webbing between your fingers.

FB statuses you wish you could write....

Mine would say "Christie would like to know who the fuck else is knocked up since half my friend list appears to be". Two more fucking FB status updates that allude to them being fucking knocked up. Two of my high school friends. One who just got married this July. Remember, there were only five girls in my graduating class - and three of them are pregnant right now. My cousin and these other two. Fuck me.

Wow - I think if you went through my posts on this blog, the most commonly used word here would be "fuck". Hah. Whoops.

ETA: So we're at the hockey game with friends of ours - our priest and his wife. Friends that we plied heavily with liquor a week and a half ago when they came from supper. We're deciding what to eat and they make a joke that she gets to eat meat now (it's a fasting period so we don't eat meat now) - and they say she's pregnant, just found out less than a week ago. I'm happy for them, but what just gets me is that she didn't temp, didn't obsess, just thought things were "off" and tested and got a positive. Lucky her. Wish I could do that.

I hate being a whiner.

but man, there are some days when people ask "are you ok?" and I just can't fake it.

Today folks, was one of those days.

Another pg announcement, this time, 12 weeks along. There's more to the story, but as usual... as much as I'm happy for the parents-to-be, it sucks to be blindsided with the announcement. Blindsided to the point where I cried at my desk (on and off, but full on bawling when I was) for like 15 minutes. And to the point where I finished off a bottle of wine on my own after work.

I'm just done. I don't know that I can take another blindsiding like that.

I've whined to anyone who'll listen, and I feel like shit, but blah. I don't wanna be the whiner anymore. I wanna be the one making the announcement. Which I realize will make other gals with IF issues feel like shit, but dammit, I want it to be my turn to be on the other side of the fence for once. I want them to be over there too, but bah. Looks like I just can't win. What the hell is new?

"draw me a pretty picture..."

J & I went out for dinner a few nights ago, and it was one of the places with brown paper on the tables & crayons so you can doodle or whatever while waiting for your food. I love this, as I'm always doodling anyway, so hey, to be given crayons and everything? I"m set. ANYWAY.

J went to wash his hands while we were waiting for our food, and said to me as he got up "hey, draw me a pretty picture while I'm gone". The only pretty picture I could think of was a sign that said we were pregnant (which we're SO not). so I drew one, surrounded by happy faces and hearts (yes, i'm like a 12 year old girl). It made me sad though that the only happy thing I could think of was being pregnant. I showed him the 'picture' when he got back, and I just got a bit of a "oh, one of those moods" smile from him, and then I scribbled it out.

On one of the chat boards I frequent, there was a thread entitled "What are you looking forward to?". Basically, all I could think of was IVF. There's really nothing short term that I'm looking forward to. Not even Christmas - another year passing without adding to our family, no money to go visit my family, just blah. And we still can't erally make plans for IVF, as I'm not on the health plan yet, and my term hasn't been extended, etc. Just blows. Infertility blows.

same ol, same ol.

I don't even know the point to posting. It's the same ol' same ol'. Got an email this morning saying that a friend is pg. Most of me is excited for them, but the rest of me? grumpalicious. Well, not even grumpy, just saddish. I then whined in an e-mail to a former co-worker, and she was like "Seriously...I have never met someone who knows so many people getting pregnant....Holy!!" Uh ya. I win the award for "Number of most pregnant friends". You can keep the effing ribbon, but thanks anyway.

J & I were having dinner with a good friend last weekend, and she mentioned that they've been trying for 2 years now, and nada, and it breaks my heart. Why do good people have to go through this shit? It seems like every drug dealer and high school kid can get pg, but yet the people who would be phenomenal parents? Nope. As much as it seems like it would be good to have 'someone else in our camp', I don't wish infertility on ANYONE. baaaaaaaaah.

Who else?

I went through a phase in August where there were like 6 or 7 pg announcements in a week-ish long period. And I was pretty low about the whole thing. But then it passed, and I got over it, and life got really busy, and c'est ca. There were a few announcements (and a beautiful new baby boy to friends here), but it was all good. Held a 8-hour-old baby, my heart melted a bit, 'sall good.

Fast forward to last week - 3 announcements between Mon & Wed, and y'know, I was ok with it. Even the complete surprise ones, I was cool. Not just because these are my friends, and I should be happy for my friends, but I was also leaving my job of almost 4 years, had a weekend getaway planned, and honestly - being down about the whole thing would've taken tooo much energy from me. So, I was happy for them, and left it at that.

Then, while I was away - another pg possibility. Not 100% confirmed yet, but I'm thinking things will lean that way. Still happy for everyone (and v. hopeful that #3.5 sticks!).

Last night - #4.5. A friend's sister. Yay for the happy couple!! Still doing all right, even though I'm just back from a weekend away, a shitload of announcements and the starting of a new job just a few hours later.

Tonight. #5.5. A friend who has struggled with a number of failed IVF attempts, is pg. I should be all WAHOO, right? mmm, maybe not so much. She's 20 weeks pg, with a girl (!!!), and I can't help but be all blarghy about it. Maybe it's the fact that it's at 20 weeks, or that it's finally settling in that it's not us (again).

Added to the people who announced between that last post and now, I think I'm friends with 1 kabillion pregnant people. Seriously, you say? I am. I can't count the numbers, because I run out of fingers & toes. And that's not including a number of internet acquaintences who I"m not as close with, but "know", y'know?

Bah. With the new job, as soon as I'm eligible for health coverage (which will be as soon as my term is extended. How's that for positive thinking???), I'll be calling the clinic to start testing & stuff so we can cycle. I'm done waiting. Shit or get off the pot, y'know? Still doesn't make all those announcements in the meantime any easier to swallow. Bah.

It's funny...

what news hurts and what I'm able to fluff over, and not let bother me. And not in that 'har har' way, either.

Take today for instance. I found out that an internet acquaintence of mine had a successful IVF, and is now due wahtever-9-months-from-now is. Yay! Diva's knocked up! Sweet! While reading the thread though, I saw that one of the other girls who got married on the same day I did, way back 4 years ago, has a 15-month old now. So they would've gotten pg somewhere around their (our!) 2nd anniversary, and here we sit, still benched. Any elation I was feeling from finding out about diva's pregnancy was pretty much dashed half-way down the page when I saw the news about the 15-month-old. And it's not that I'm not HAPPY for the parents & beautiful little girl (ok, I went stalking a little bit...), but ugh. Just Ugh.

I'm waiting right now to find out if another friend's IVF cycle was a success... I really really hope it was. If it's not, I honestly fear a little for her mental & emotional health :( Effing infertility.

Is everyone pregnant?

DISCLAIMER: I don't begrudge (almost) anyone their children.

But seriously. It seems that everyone (on the internet, anyway) is pregnant. And those ppl I know IRL - yup, many of them are pregnant too. A lot of these people have struggled with infertility for quite a while, trying various meds & procedures, and are finally en route to becoming parents. And I'm really happy for them. I'm happy for the ones that didn't have to use any sort of intervention to become pregnant too.

And then there's us. Sittin on the bench, watching pregnancies progress, holding the babies that these couples have worked so hard to bring into the world, and I'm just so conflicted. Happy for these families, but my heart breaks a little bit each time, as it's still not us. Still not our little red-headed, near-sighted, pocket-protector-wearing bebes, that I've been envisioning since I met J over 10 years ago.

I guess we're just at 'that age' where everyone's having babies. Nothing we can do about it, really. Just suck it up and be ready for when it's finally our turn., eh? Totally easier said than done.