Starting the new year off with a bang.

Literally. (Insert naughty wink emoticon here)

So, I was a little drunk last night. So, I said, "Who cares about our break?" So, we had some very fun, very non-bench-like sex, hoping something will come of it. So, I peed on a OPK strip today and I got two very bright stripes.

I should be happy. Our timing was good and it was all fun and not "baby-making" like at all. However, I'm filled with an emotion I'm all too used to...

Hope. Obsession about the possibilities. Downright, life-controlling, "I really f'in want this to happen" feelings that drive me to the brink of despair once a month when it doesn't happen.

We are take a break for two good reasons:

1. I'm on probation at my new job and if I can get knocked up after March, I qualify for mat-leave top-up and my vacation accrues and it's just very smart, financially. It's the right thing for us to do right now, especially considering I'm on probation and could be out of a job at any time (which I doubt, but I still worry about).
2. I need to get myself in better shape for pregnancy. I'm not just talking about eating right and working out - I need to get my mind to a place where I can handle the emotions, the strain, and the downright mind-blowingness of having a child.

It's #2 that worries me the most. I obsess over everything. Right now, I'm obsessing about man goo wandering around my lady parts. I have to get a handle on this TTC thing because the lows have been bringing me lower and lower, closer and closer to that nasty depression that lurks around every corner, waiting for me.

So, last night, I got inseminated with hope which breeds obsession. Not what I needed right now, but maybe, just maybe, something good will come out of it.