Just for you, Chelle. :)
I think I hit the ultimate in rock bottom last weekend. The last person that I was waiting to announce their pregnancy did and it KILLED ME. I felt left out, that the cute little clique was complete and once again, I was left out, looking in from the outside. It sucked, I was emotionally wrecked, and I had to explain to my friends why I was feeling that way. I had to get it out because it was eating me up inside so badly. They understood, and while I think things are still a bit rocky, I think it was better than holding it all inside.
Now a week later, I've had time for introspection. Ironically, that same weekend where my world was crushed, we spent time with friends who adopted a baby girl after 10 years of infertility issues. The love, the faith and the joy in my friends eyes makes me cry every time she talks about her journey for adoption. One story she told really hit home. When she was near rock bottom, she complained to her friend, who is a priest, about why God would allow this to happen. Fr. G replied "God will tell you why sometime. You may be dead when he tells you, but you WILL find out". Cheeky bugger. But it's true. As hard as it is to deal with all of this, there has to be a reason for the path I'm on. I've spent so much time dwelling on the negative, dwelling on the things I don't have, and I need to turn this around. My psyche can't take it anymore - I can't spend days crying over what I don't have. So, as Monty Python puts it "Always look on the bright side of life". I know that in times like this, it's easy to turn away from God, gosh knows that I'm tempted. But I can't. I have to thank Him for everything I do have and pray for patience.
There's a prayer that is said during Vespers in Great Lent. It is one of the most sobering and powerful prayers I've ever experienced and I think I need to say it more than just a few times a year. It goes like this:
O Lord and Master of my life
Take from me the spirit of laziness, faintheartedness, love of power and idle talk
But freely give to me your servant a spirit of soberness, humility, patience and love.
Oh Lord and King,
Grant that I may see my own faults and not condemn my brother
For thou art blessed unto ages of ages
Amen
Amen.
something to share
9 years ago
i hate being that 'odd woman out'. Even tonight - there were only 5 of us gathered, but 3 have kids, one's pg... and then there's me.
ReplyDeleteJust remember that when you're feeling like that - call me. God, if anyone knows what that rock bottom feeling is like, it's me. *HUGS* to you, my Monty Python loving friend.